Its true! Taylor Jones, the hack writer, is running for the office of President of the United States. In an interview with Clammy Hands of the South Central Idaho Presidential News Jones said, Being President is the best job available for a retired old man. It obviously requires no talent nor sincere effort since the President can surround himself with talented people all at the expense of the public. He doesnt even have to speak for himself because he has a Press Secretary who will always keep the public guessing as to what the President is thinking. Clammy Hands said, I guess you will be running as a Democrat? Jones said, Why do you say that? "As a kid, I use to go to the Jackson Day outings at the Lagoon or Saltair Resorts in Utah when my dad was president of the Sage Brush Democratic Club. "As an adult I went to a Republican dinner in Nevada, Iowa with my fellow professor, Dr. Bell. I learned this: Every Democrat wants everybody to have a piece of the pie. Each Republican wants the pie ALL for himself. My paternal grandmother would roll over in her grave if I ran as a Republican, even though she should have been a Republican because her family was on the first wagon train after the Pioneer Company to arrive in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847. Im running as a Demopubsocialist, leaning to the right and then to the left as needed. "Im sure that both parties will endorse me as they did my father when he was auditor of Salt Lake City. Like father, like son! Then Clammy Hands shook her blond curls and asked, You already have everything you need. Why would you want to be President, especially since President Bush has completely screwed things up by starting Bush War II? Jones said, Ill stop the war by Presidential Edict. Ill just say to the Troop Commanders, Get our boys out of there by sundown!' Then Ill cut all funding to Halliburton and tell them to get their butts home on their own hook and that there will be an accounting. "That will take care of Iraq. Clammy said, What abut Afghanistan? Jones said, Afghanistan, Banana Stand! Ill get our troops out of there too. "I know darned well that Osama bin Laden is hiding in Mecca. We wont find him on the Pakistan Afghanistan border, will we? Clammy asked about the prisoners illegally held in Cuba. Simple! said Jones. Well leave the gates open one night. They will be able to sneak into Cuba proper and then catch a raft to Miami. "Theyll disappear into the crowd. Clammy said, Most Americans are concerned about the National Debt. What would you do there? Jones said, Id leave that for Jeb Bush to handle when he becomes President. Meanwhile, the congressmen and women will have to bring sack lunches. There will be no subsidizing of the Capital Restaurants. The Congress will have to pay for their own travel wherever they go. They will have no expense accounts. If their constituents want to see them they will be able to do that while the Congress is adjourned from January 4th until December 19th of each year. Clammy said, Do you mean that Congress will be in session for just a couple of weeks each year? Who will do the work? Besides, what congressman or woman is going to want to have to work over Christmas and New Years? Jones answered, Not their aids. They wont have any that are paid by the people. "Besides, we dont need any new laws. We just need to burn most of the old ones. And I might add, the constitutional requirements for election to Congress will be changed. You will have to be a veteran who is handicapped due to war and must require a sturdy walker, a wheelchair, or a white cane to get around. Even then, you will get paid only for time worked in your office in Washington, two weeks maximum at the minimum hourly wage. Clammy asked, Well, what about public lands and such? Who will govern those activities? Jones, What public lands? The Federal Government will give up title to all federally owned public lands within 30 days of my election. The states will have three months to give out 360 acre parcels by lottery except for lands containing good fishing and hunting. Fishing and hunting lands will be deeded to the states to be managed for hunting and fishing purposes only. The lottery winners will have the opportunity to either sell the land, lease the land, live on the land or return it to the state to be given out at a future clean-up lottery. Clammy said, You've just about got everything covered, haven't you? Some people are going to say you are crazy. What about Yellowstone Park? Jones replied, Some people know that Im crazy. All National Parks will be given to the Indians of the resident state. They can run them as concessions or lock the gates. Clammy said, I know you want to go fishing, but can you answer one more question? What about Korea? Presidential Candidate Jones said, Ill have plenty of time to go fishing with Dick Cheney after Im elected. I fought in Korea with the 17th Infantry Regimental Combat Team. That war is officially still on. We are merely at a seize fire. Ill just let the war go on as it has been going on since I left. Clammy said, But they have the BOMB and now they are going to launch new long-range missiles. That is a real threat! Jones said, Dont worry! Ill have a nuclear sub or two just off shore. If our spy satellites pick up the heat of a rocket engine or they spot a missile trail, my orders will be to retaliate immediately. We wont have time to guess where the missile might be headed. Ill warn the North Koreans that they should make sure their hot plates dont require more than 1000 watts. They shouldnt gun the engines of their trucks, tanks, or helicopters either. Clammy said, This is all a joke isnt it? You are not really running for President of the United States, are you? Jones said, I am running for President of the United States. Not only that, I expect to get elected. Im taking 90 percent of the assets of those corporate thieves who have been stealing from the stock holders and the tax payers. Clammy Hands said, And you are going to give that money to the stockholders and the people? Jones replied, Are you kidding? That is going into those defunct pension plans that the government is funding. Yes, all that money will eventually end up in the hands of old folks where it belongs. Clammy said, I guess you are serious. That about covers it for now. But what about your comment about going fishing with Dick Cheney? Dont you think that will hurt your chances of getting elected? Jones said, The people here out west will know what Ill be up to. Ive got this saying that I learned from ground squirrel watching: If you dont want to get bit by a rattlesnake, you had better keep your eye on the snake. Candidate Jones was also asked how he would handle the illegal immigrations problem. He said as the jumped into his old pickup, "Puerto Rico is the answer. Mexicans and Central and South Americans would have to raft to Puerto Rico to pick up a birth certificate before the could immigrate to the mainland." Clammy Hands said he winked at her as he left. The End Politics, president, election, Dick, Cheney, office, war, national debt, humor, rattlesnake, Congress copyright2006 John T. Jones, Ph.D. |
